Saturday, October 09, 2004

September 11th

It was the next big thing that happened. What can I say? You already know all about it - and here is what I wrote home at the time.

I've been listening to those scratchy radio voices for days now, ever since the night we got the call from Bill Benjamin, our Country Director. BBC and VOA rolling over me with the current body counts and the talk of war, smoke filled voices choked with fear and sorrow describing the missing. The weight of detail, all the terrible details. It's very strange being so far away; it must be equally strange to be there. The first day we were on standby, trapped in a holding pattern - now we're slowly resuming our normal schedules; keeping in contact, keeping our eyes open and our ears up. Listening to the radio out on my porch, trying to see what's coming next. I dreamed last night of Robert in New York; I tried to call him once and got his voice on the machine. Free floating anxiety, and you don't know how much I want a cigarette right now, you really don't.

I don't know what else to say to you all. I have letters here from Marlene, Don, and William; I have emails from any number of people, and I'm sure I'll answer them all some day. It's just hard to concentrate right now - you know, everyone here knows the news, they've all seen the planes plowing into the buildings, the people falling from the sky, and the buildings themselves collapsing. Time and time again. My host family called me to say how sorry they were, how terribly sorry; people at the post and the shuka ask after my friends and family - but it is not the same. There isn't that deep ringing sense of shock - I feel it though, the weather change running through my body. This one of the few times I've truly felt isolated here. Everything feels so unreal - and I practice my Armenian, the new words I am learning. Horrible, shock, unreal, war. I do not like the way they fit my mouth, but I am learning my lessons.

The other volunteer here (Tiffany) is from California; twenty four years old and this her first time living on her own. Her main preoccupation seems to be trying to housebreak her first dog; the news doesn't seem to really be affecting her much, it's all too far away. For me, it feels much closer. I lived in New York once, many years ago - I have friends there and in the DC area. And the talk of war ringing in my ears.

So, to all you out there, wherever you may be. Be well, take care of yourselves and of each other, and don't get caught up in the backlash. Write me and tell me how it goes, give me another reference point to ground myself to. You know I love you.

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